I have no idea why, but for the last week or so, i've been irritable. Very irritable. Irritation from which stems the anger that seems to be hoovering over my being, waiting to explode and collapse all the sense, rationality and logic that i've learned to practice over the course of my young(ish) life. Anger. So evil, so clingy, so present. So crippling of the mind. Its scarey thinking about it and knowing about it. But its scariest to not know how to deal with it. Suppose control plays a big part. Patience plays another large part. And I know these things. But somehow, anger turned into rage, has a way of attacking control and patience. Anger becomes endemic within seconds of it surfacing. Patience and control? Out the window. Sense and logic? Down the toilet. Gone.
Anger. Rage. Violence. More violence. Abuse. Physical and verbal. Tears. Bruises. Embarrassment.
Its a vicious cycle. And its happened often. Way too often. But why? Why do I do these things? Why cant I stop? Im sure as hell that love is there. So why does anger always win when love should be stronger? Why do these feelings come up inside of me? How do I stop them?
They say anger could be used in a good way. Like how Adam Sandler used it in Water Boy. An article says:
Anger is a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion. But when it gets out of control and turns destructive, it can lead to problems—problems at work, in your personal relationships, and in the overall quality of your life. And it can make you feel as though you're at the mercy of an unpredictable and powerful emotion.
Its become a problem and I know it. Its affecting my family, the ones I love most. I feel held down, captured, imprisoned by anger. And I dont know how to get out of this bondage. I desperately need to be free. Break away before I start sliding down the hill of destruction. Should this be the case, id truly and honestly rather be dead so Lord help my soul.