Thursday, August 17, 2006

why do we do the things we do?

I have no idea why, but for the last week or so, i've been irritable. Very irritable. Irritation from which stems the anger that seems to be hoovering over my being, waiting to explode and collapse all the sense, rationality and logic that i've learned to practice over the course of my young(ish) life. Anger. So evil, so clingy, so present. So crippling of the mind. Its scarey thinking about it and knowing about it. But its scariest to not know how to deal with it. Suppose control plays a big part. Patience plays another large part. And I know these things. But somehow, anger turned into rage, has a way of attacking control and patience. Anger becomes endemic within seconds of it surfacing. Patience and control? Out the window. Sense and logic? Down the toilet. Gone.

Anger. Rage. Violence. More violence. Abuse. Physical and verbal. Tears. Bruises. Embarrassment.

Its a vicious cycle. And its happened often. Way too often. But why? Why do I do these things? Why cant I stop? Im sure as hell that love is there. So why does anger always win when love should be stronger? Why do these feelings come up inside of me? How do I stop them?

They say anger could be used in a good way. Like how Adam Sandler used it in Water Boy. An article says:

Anger is a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion. But when it gets out of control and turns destructive, it can lead to problems—problems at work, in your personal relationships, and in the overall quality of your life. And it can make you feel as though you're at the mercy of an unpredictable and powerful emotion.

Its become a problem and I know it. Its affecting my family, the ones I love most. I feel held down, captured, imprisoned by anger. And I dont know how to get out of this bondage. I desperately need to be free. Break away before I start sliding down the hill of destruction. Should this be the case, id truly and honestly rather be dead so Lord help my soul.

4 comments:

Shark Girl said...

"Anger is misdirected passion"

Hehe.

No worries. Pray over it. You'll get better.

reesa said...

Ae sa'o a. But it could also be passion in denial - PUGI

fotu of samoa said...

Ask yourself what is the root of your Anger? Because anger becomes frustration and boils into destruction when you don't know why you're angry or what you're angry at.

Only once you can admit to yourself that you're in denial of something or insecure about something or hating something about someone else or yourself, can you resolve it and be free of your anger. And often, the answer is closer than you imagine.

Pray, communicate with loved ones, and believe that love IS stronger.

Take care girl,

:)

ps - don't quote me on any of that. lol. I stole it from self help books and Oprah over the years. :)

dasifi said...

We all go thru difficult times but as long as we know that we are doing the best we can in all areas of our lives then wont have too much to be upset about because the people in our lives will not expect any more that what we can offer.
External sources can also contribute to our situation but we have to make allowances at times. We have no control over others only over ourselves and how we handle things.
You will get over this one just like u will over many other obstacles that may come ur way.
Armed with a good heart/cheerful disposition and bright hopes for the future.. your family will bask in the tranquility of your soul.. It takes work and a lot of patience but it is possible..don't despair we are walking the same road. You are prob a mile ahead of me but I hope to catch up with a lot of help from da man above.
Cheers gurl.
Take care.