because imma complainer like that

Good Lord…the last thing I want to do is whine like a beeyatch but imma do it cause ...cause I can.

I hate work. There are times when I really enjoy what I do but as of late, I’ve come to despise coming to this place every friggin day. I’m so sick of it. I’m afraid to sleep because I know when I wake up, I have to invest so much effort into showering, getting dressed and saying goodbye to my son just so I could torture myself with yet another boredom-infested day in this hole.

The irony of it all though is that when I stay home, I miss it. I miss sitting in my chair with my view of luscious green outside bordered by the blue of the ocean which on windy days is tinted with the white of waves breaking. I miss the soft whirring of my fan as it tries its best to keep an air c-deprived office cool. And most of all I miss my best friend Internet who brings life to the bored, knowledge to the idiot and best of all, brings geologically divided friends into one room where all day everyday we gossip, we talk, we laugh and tease each other till we hear that familiar siren go off indicating the end of yet another day at work.

A brawl on the Court

As much as I want to be dramatic and say there was blood and gashes and black eyes, ariena. It wasn’t that bad a brawl. But it sure wiped out any urge I had of playing basketball.

Our basketball team entered into this tournament that’s now been on for over a month. There are only five girls teams and we’ve been doing alright. We played in the Independence tournament and came away with the shield. Through out this tournament, we have to defend the shield. Our first game of this tournament, we thrashed the other team. Our second game, WE got thrashed. By none other than Nonu Samoa. They aren’t particularly a really really good team. They seemed to have more experienced players who are much more aggressive. Okay-thats putting it mildly. Those girls are butch you'd get scared just by a glance from one of them. And they had defence play that was fool proof. That was what broke us. We were much fitter, much younger but they had the defence. And apparently, a good offence is a good defence. Or something like that. So they took the shield from us. Last night we played our second game with them. Now they had to defend the shield. Half time and we were leading 8-2. second half, their players were a bit more tired and bit more mad. One of their players was being particularly pushy, using her elbows during the whole game. And when she did it to our centre, she had no patience for that. She stepped right in and elbowed her right back. Next thing, they were trying to hold the two back. Our centre mouthing this and that to her and their player tryna be a know-it all and saying lets take it outside. Our centre against this horse of a woman would break into two being the skinny thing she is. So we stuck close by her. Full time score: 28 – 14. Was that a thrashing or what? We got OUR shield back. Although I gotta say its one hella ugly shield. Poor Nonu. They were mad and angry. And im worried those butch players might jump our team mate somewhere out dark. Now wouldn’t that be something to make the news on Sunday?

why do we do the things we do?

I have no idea why, but for the last week or so, i've been irritable. Very irritable. Irritation from which stems the anger that seems to be hoovering over my being, waiting to explode and collapse all the sense, rationality and logic that i've learned to practice over the course of my young(ish) life. Anger. So evil, so clingy, so present. So crippling of the mind. Its scarey thinking about it and knowing about it. But its scariest to not know how to deal with it. Suppose control plays a big part. Patience plays another large part. And I know these things. But somehow, anger turned into rage, has a way of attacking control and patience. Anger becomes endemic within seconds of it surfacing. Patience and control? Out the window. Sense and logic? Down the toilet. Gone.

Anger. Rage. Violence. More violence. Abuse. Physical and verbal. Tears. Bruises. Embarrassment.

Its a vicious cycle. And its happened often. Way too often. But why? Why do I do these things? Why cant I stop? Im sure as hell that love is there. So why does anger always win when love should be stronger? Why do these feelings come up inside of me? How do I stop them?

They say anger could be used in a good way. Like how Adam Sandler used it in Water Boy. An article says:

Anger is a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion. But when it gets out of control and turns destructive, it can lead to problems—problems at work, in your personal relationships, and in the overall quality of your life. And it can make you feel as though you're at the mercy of an unpredictable and powerful emotion.

Its become a problem and I know it. Its affecting my family, the ones I love most. I feel held down, captured, imprisoned by anger. And I dont know how to get out of this bondage. I desperately need to be free. Break away before I start sliding down the hill of destruction. Should this be the case, id truly and honestly rather be dead so Lord help my soul.