A lot has happened since my last post over a month ago. We soon got back together and were trying to work things out. We could not get divorced straight away anyway because law has it that we have to be separated for 12 months first.
It was a good few weeks until he would go out again and come home at 2am or at 4am one night. I sit at home willing my mind to rest and go to sleep but thoughts of who he is with and what he is doing ravage the crevices of my thoughts that all I can do is pray. I pray for the anger to go away. I pray for the feelings of abandon to leave. I pray for patience. I pray for peace.
A few times I have been successful and would keep myself away until high noon the next day and I am given a tight hug and the words that , “I’m sorry darling. Let me try again.” But a couple of times, when I ask a question and I am answered with a sure lie, I have lost it. It was during one of these times that I thought that enough is enough. I have been made a fool one too many times and it’s just not worth it anymore. If he has decided to still keep this woman’s company having no regard for me, our marriage and our family, what in the world can I do about it? Absolutely nothing. Nothing but to let him go and have his way with whomever at where ever his heart desires. His actions have shown that he has not and will not let go of the behaviours that have been destructive to our marriage and family and we all know that when there isn’t a will, there will be no way.
So what now? Well, I am 6 months pregnant with 3 children under 12 years old. What is possibly there for a woman of my standing in this world? Thankfully, with the gospel of Jesus Christ in my heart, I know I am not alone. I know that my God is mindful of each and every tear that I cry. He knows that my struggle is real. My Saviour knows this pain I feel because he bled from every pore when he took upon him mankind’s sins so we could enjoy sweet tender mercy. I see this when I teach my little pre-schoolers. I see it in a new flower in my garden. I feel it when I go to the Lords holy house. I feel it when my children offer up their hearts in prayer for their father to overcome his drinking habit. I feel it when I wake up each morning and realise I am alive yet another glorious day from above.
Since John has left, our home has been quiet. My children seem okay except my oldest son who seems to be developing an anger problem. I am sure there is a contribution from of how things are in our marriage to this change and I pray and hope that he will find peace. I have tried to reassure his young heart that what is going on has nothing to do with him or his siblings. That our love and marriage has changed and it is not a fault of theirs. That his dad loves them the same and so do I. But sometimes there is a question that catches me off guard and I have no answer for. For instance, Afele asked the other night why his dad always likes beer. Then a few days later he asks why dad wants to go live somewhere else.
I too ask the same questions and wonder to myself what will become of us and my children a year from now.