Luana

I am so tired. I got out of bed at about 4:40am this morning so we could catch the first ferry from the bigger island back to Upolu. It wasn’t so much the early rise though that’s put my body to strain as the fact that I didn’t have much sleep at all to begin with. And then I got a massive shock hearing about a friend that’s got into a horrible accident and is now on life support. Life support that the family will be taking off shortly as her condition is dire and chances of recovery is next to nothing. Seeing the family mechanically move through the motions of funeral arrangements and what not while their eyes represent all that is shattered, all that could have been. What do you say to someone that has just had their heart wrung dry of all the tears their eyes could produce? Sorry about your loss? Somehow words like these just don’t cut it and all you could do is have your own heart bleed out with your sorrow overflowing out of your eyes for the mother, the father, the brother, the sisters, those that are her family and loved her and the rest of us that knew her and were somehow connected to her.

Life is so precious. So brittle. We know this, and yet, we go about our lives recklessly creating complexities for ourselves that seem so big and important and yet, in death, nothing else seems to matter…its al left behind. But then again, how else are we suppose to live if not the way we do? Should we simplify everything because of death? Does it mean we have to be so careful as to prolong our lives? Is the point of it all to live until we are old and grey?

Carrying this tiny life in my belly, I cant help pondering these things. As my pregnancy progresses, my plans are that this baby will be born. Somewhere along the way, he will grow up in the same world we are all in, go to school, make friends, learn to drive, eat pizza and he will get married, bear children and make me a grandmother. Im sure Adria thought these very thoughts from when she felt Luana move in her tummy. When she took her first steps, when she saw her off to her first day at school, when she took her to the doctor for a simple flu.

Someone murmured at the hospital this morning about how all the good ones seem to be taken while the bad are still alive. I couldn’t help thinking that we all go and yet, the loss that remains with those left behind could never be comprehended. One of the many complexities of being human I suppose. We hurt, we heal. Or we don’t but we keep going until it’s our time to depart and leave the hurting for others to do.

Okay, I am making myself cry here as I am writing this. Emotions going haywire with the pregnancy but oh well…adios

Overdue movies

You can imagine how relieved I was when I walked into the video store with my three days overdue movie to find the attendant there preoccupied with sorting out some difficult issue with a customer.

Customer: “O a movies ga e overdue?”

Attendant reads out the names of movies

Customer: “Ia o aka ga a Sika ga e sau avaku i le makou account which is ga le kakau ga koe avea iai!”

Only then did I pay attention to the customer to find it was Aunty Ata trying to sort out some bill incurred by Sita! Hahahaha.

Its been so long

Yes it has. I've been away for a whole year studying and now am back to where I was. It feels like nothing has changed at all and that the last year did not happen. I am back with the same job, same people and same problems.

On the home front, the husband now works on another island. It takes 2 hours to get there on both land and sea transport. He comes every weekend but its still hard. My son is still gorgeous and is every bit a chatter box. He asks about everything and when he gets the answer, there's always a why? that follows or 'then where does it go?" He is very adorable and has started going to pre-school.

We still live with my parents and my father still gives me the same s#%t.

After the experience of 2008, I feel as though there I had so much hope and now, its back to square 1, if not back at zero. And somehow, this is taking a toll on me. Yes, I am pregnant and am supposed to be tired and sleepy but I somehow feel that this with depression...it makes it worst. I would spend a whole day in bed sleeping and still feel tired after waking. Which then results to more sleeping. Not good I would think for the health and for my son always trying to get my attention by being my ever-so faithful chatter box. I love him to bits.

Well, that is a small re-cap on where my life is right now. Would try and update this this year...wish me luck!