Thursday, April 27, 2017

Confessions of a broken heart and contrite spirit

Sat 18th March 2017

Last year in March, I lost my 17 month old son and almost at exactly a year to the day, we signed a paper asking the registrar of courts for a divorce.  It has been one tough year and I look back and wonder how it went terribly wrong. 

Last year seemed to go off at a great start.  After months of preparation followed by prayers and fasting, husband was blessed to be appointed the Chief Executive Officer for one of the largest and complex Ministries of Government.  It was a great achievement for him given he was one of the youngest Chief Executives and a lot of hope and excitement was felt as he prepared to take on the job.  After the joy of hearing the news, we each looked at each other and the responsibility of the job ahead sank in but I assured my husband that he will do well and with Heavenly Father on our side, he will be a brilliant CEO.

But, that same month he started on the job, my mother passed away.  It was a bittersweet moment as on one hand it was sad to loose her, but on the other, I was happy she was finally resting from the ailments of her mortal body. She had lost her memory a few years before and then lost the ability to control bowel and urine that she had to be in diapers. A few months before she left us, she became completely bed ridden and developed nasty bed sores that would not heal but oozed with nastiness and of course, inflicted so much pain.  As she took her last breath, I thanked my Heavenly Father for the great mother that she was and the examples she taught me and promised her that I will complete the ordinances required for her in the Lord’s holy temple.

At exactly a month later after mum died, David, my beautiful baby, walked over to the pool next door, climbed on a chair and either fell in or hopped in himself.  It was hard loosing my baby but I had a calm assurance that all is well, that this life is temporary, that hope is there for life in the eternities. It is that calm assurance that I am now trying to remember as I think about the last 12 years of my marriage and wondered if I had done everything I could to keep it together.  Although its over, I cannot help but feel regret and sorry for ever making the decision to leave last year in June for six months to pursue a Masters degree.  I did pray and ask the Lord his counsel and felt that it was okay. That what I was going to do was in pursuit of something good and that it would only be six months.  My husband had stopped drinking when he entered the waters of baptism three months earlier and that gave me more reason to trust him that he would be faithful in his love for me and our tender family.

I look back now and wondered whether I had read the revelation from the Lord wrong. Could I have wanted to accept the scholarship and get my qualification so bad that I failed to see the signs that said I needed to be here for my husband and for my family? Could the desires of my heart have blinded me to do what I was supposed to do?

Alas, that time has gone and there are now other decisions ahead that again require careful pondering and quiet contemplation.  I am grateful though for the past experience that has taught me to always remember my desires and ensure they are not blinding the revelation from the Lord.  Especially in considering things like visitation times and financial support and division of property and assets.  I have heard that divorce is not easy and now I can confirm that as willing and conforming the two parties can be, it is still painful and tough.  I am grateful though that despite the pain, soon-to-be-ex-husband is being supportive and kind and not trying to be nasty.  I don’t dispute that he is a good dad and provider and at times I saw that he really did try as well.  He is a good man with just some weaknesses that he has chosen to not let go of but have proven destructive.

I look at how we came to be here and felt that over the last five months since I discovered my husband being unfaithful, I have tried… over many arguments and countless tears, I have tried to change and be a delight and be trusting and just have faith in my marriage that it will work.  But there is also another change that is slowly creeping in where I am becoming the kind of woman that I never ever thought I would be. The kind that is constantly wondering and doubting and angry.  The kind that lashes out with fists and venom from the tongue. The kind that just turns real ugly. It has become so frustrating trying though when constantly I find a lie here and an omission there and I have asked myself over and over whether this is love??? If you know that being with a person you had had feelings for will hurt your spouse, would you still go ahead and talk with that person and go for walks with them and let them help you with your studies? I certainly wouldn’t. And that is because my love for my spouse should tell me that I should respect them even if the past feelings are completely gone and no longer there. I would show them my love with my actions and my actions should help to build the trust that was shattered. 

The person I am becoming is not me.  I am a daughter of Heavenly Father and I know he is mindful of my pain and hurt and its true, I cant change the man I had married and be in control of where he is and who he is with. But I can free myself from the destruction that is my marriage and move ahead trying to undo the last twelve years and look to the future with faith and hope for my children and for myself as we approach the one year since I lost my baby and my 36th year upon this earth.

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