my organised confusion

Change is in the air!

2011-12-12T17:19:00.001-10:00

So its Christmastime and as usual, for me, it brings a lot of stress. Everything just all seems to be happening at this time of year. Its the time when people rush around to finish things off before the year ends. Then there's shopping to be done. And family to have over from overseas. And gifts to be exchanged. And functions to go to. Parties to plan, birthdays to remember. And bank accounts depleting. Its just always such a hectic and stressful time of year for me. This year however has been somewhat different for me. Nothing has changed about the traffic and silly taxi drivers. Work too is hectic with planning our Christmas function not to mention the many work-related reports we have to read and comment on. So life around me has stayed the same but it still felt like there is a difference. And then it dawned on me and I realised what has changed. I have changed.

This time last year (and other years previous to that), Christmas usually meant a lot of parties to go to which meant a lot of alcohol to consume which meant a lot merry-ing to be done! As I was going through this thought chain, I realised that if this is what Christmas meant for me in the past, then really, I had lost the real meaning of Christmas because I am feeling the spirit of it now and it truly feels new to me. At this very moment I am planning out in my head how I want this year, for our Christmas to be different. I want it to be focused entirely on my family and the children in particular to learn more about our Saviour's birth. Not just to get presents and place them under the tree with their name on it and tell them it was from Santa. I would also very much want them to play an active part in learning about the birth of Christ. A freind convinced me to do a nativity play with the kids playing the different parts. At first, it all sounded very complicated to me. I mean hey, me? Write a play and bring the whole thing together? Yeah right. But like I said, this friend convinced me and told me all I needed to do was read Luke chapter 2. Its apparently all in there. So, out came my scriptures and the first thing I read is this: And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Cæsar Augustus, that all the world should be taxed. (And this taxing was first made when Cyrenius was governor of Syria.) And all went to be taxed, every one into his own city. I didnt understand what it meant to be taxed so I asked. Lo and behold, I learnt right there and then that the reason why Mary and Joseph went to Bethlehem was to go and pay their taxes! After telling this story to couple other friends, I realised that my goodness...I still have lots to learn! Everyone else seemed to know this. How come I didnt? Because believe or not, I never read Luke 2 before. Heck, I never read the bible as a book before. I read things here and there but never read it as a book.

So back to my story about Christmas. I guess what I am getting at is that I am feeling the Christmas spirit so much more. I am not denying that its still hectic, busy and stressful. But, I feel a calmness, peace. I have changed and my perspective has changed. I am able to feel more joy - like real joy, not tipsy happy from Brown Brothers, Cienna red wine! It feels like I am finally getting quality in my life because I am doing right (or at least trying/stiving to do right). I was once told that some people see Gods commandments as restrictive. I am finding though that because I am trying to do right, I am being set free. Alcohol and the lifestyle that it had lead me to no longer has me captive. I no longer feel guilty at not seeing my kids for 24hrs. I was getting into the habbit of going for drinks after work. Good intentions of having one drink never lasts because one drink lead to another and another and next thing you know, the police are there to close the bar. I get home and the kids are asleep and will only be able to see them the next morning. And then that not even much because I would almost always have a major hangover to nurse so if a child so much as raises their voice, they would get a smack instantly! I guess I just have been doing a lot of reflection and it has made me realise that there is wisdom in the Prophet's counsel not to drink and do certain things. So instead of seeing the commandments as restrictive, they are actually protective and allows us more freedom. Its weird but I am experiencing this and its really nice to be learning of the ideal, practicing it and then realising that life is so much better. Its exactly as it was promised it would be if we obeyed.
So to that, Merry Christmas bloggers! I am off to Aotearoa for Christmas and NYs and for the first time in years, I am really looking forward to Christmas this year!

Friends

2011-09-07T14:08:00.000-11:00

It never ceases to amaze me how blessed I am to have good friends. I can claim that I have lots of friends if I counted all the people I went to School or uni with. But in actual fact, there are only a handful of people I would complain to about John or call to look after my kids. Even within these circle of a handful of friends, only a couple of them I would ask to look after my kids. And its weird that this handful of friends although you are very close to, some of them don’t know each other and yet, to me, it feels like they should. And each one of them serves for you a purpose at different areas in my life. Sometimes, you would be spending more time with one than the other. But each time you get together to catch up, you talk and talk and talk and carry on as though there was no time in between.
If I were to count, I would say at this point in time, there are maybe five people I would count in this handful.

There is my (technically, aunt) cousin who is the gardener, home maker and creative butterfly who I have to plan time to call her because we would talk for hours on end about anything really. What’s been happening, plans for the weekend, cooking with veges, starting a walking schedule and so on. I love visiting her house because even though its one of those typical houses built by the village kamuka with very rough edges – the kitchen sink tap water streams straight out of a pvc pipe, no actual faucet, just a knob to turn it off and on – I love it because she’s made it a home. There are herbs growing out of odd containers in her kitchen. The kids have their own space and toys are arranged in different containers. Odd bits and pieces make up her furniture but each item is comfortable. There is an orderly feel about her place that I just love. Her garden has everything from pineapples to cucumbers to mint to pink teuilas to avoka to sasalapa. Her oldest is 11 days older than Maaveave so is one of the candidates when it comes to looking for a babysitter.

Another cousin who I never thought is a kid person but now has two of her own and has no problems managing small (sometimes very difficult) people. I wouldn’t say she’s a natural in the kitchen (and neither would she) but the things she does make I would keep eating and eating. I’ve tasted some of the best food at her place and she almost always has a stash of goodies for those sleepovers that involves little or no sleeping at all. The first person I would call with a problem, the first person I would call if I were bored. Even the times she’s said “I don’t know” when I’ve asked some difficult, crazy-induced question, I still feel like the fact that there is someone I can bounce and even voice my insane thoughts to seems enough. I totally trust her that if John and I were to die tomorrow, she is the only person I could really seriously entrust my children with.

We are related somewhere down the line (isn’t everyone on this island?) but we are comfortable with just “bestest” friends. Very thought provoking and modern woman that I had known from my uni days and have been stuck with ever since. We share so many similarities and have travelled parallel journeys so many times in our lives as young women in a close-knit society such as that on this island. Another victim for my crazy outbreaks who has been there for me with a shoulder to cry on and tissues for my pathetic tears. My deepest darkest secrets she knows and I find I can be completely honest with her too. I can confide in her knowing she will never judge me or be disappointed in me (well she never makes me feel like she is) but will at the same time help me see further down the road where its brighter and greener.

Then there's my childhood friend I have known for like ever but nowadays its hard to find time to meet and chat. When we do though, we go on and on and there is never a shortage of news. I am so blessed to have close friends and just so many people around me that are so ready to lend an ear to hear your troubles and a hand to help you up when the world seems to be on my shoulders. Little do they know that they have had a hand in answering a small, humble prayer.

Cast comes off Friday!

2011-08-17T11:42:00.001-11:00

I wanted so desperately to just lie through my teeth when the Dr. asked the number of weeks since my leg broke. But in the best interest of my leg, I said 5 weeks. He then said to wait until its been six weeks and then I will come and remove the cast…yay! Its Tuesday today which makes it three days until Friday when it will finally come off! I know I wont be able to walk normally on it until maybe another two weeks but I am still excited and looking forward to:

showering with two feet on the ground instead of one holding all 200+ pounds of me
wearing two shoes instead of just one
not having to use a disfigured coat hanger to reach an itch
not leaving a trail of white behind from bits breaking off the cast

Like most things we are forced to live with though, this thing has somewhat become part of what I am that Im kind of weary to have it off. What if Afele jumps on my vulnerable bone and it snaps again? What if I want to hurt someone and don’t find a weapon handy? Nahhhh. I will get used to my old leg in no time I reckon.

I’ve been told though of some horror stories that have had me want to run for a plane and go to NZ to see another doctor and get another opinion. Someone’s son had broken their leg and after this same doctor did a plaster and delivered instructions to come back in so many weeks, the family took their son to NZ. The doctor in NZ said they had to re do the cast or something rather because the doctor in Samoa had done something wrong. That is scary and if weren’t for the already depleting finances, I would get on the plane and go see another real doctor.

Or…I just have faith and believe that my bone has healed nicely and there wont be any scary thoughts about a permanent limp…

Hospitals and poor service

2011-08-11T16:07:00.001-11:00

I went hiking up Mt. Vaea. I slipped and broke my leg. And yes, this happened on the way down.

This is the story I have had to recount almost everyday of my life since the day of my accident. Every time eyes would settle on my leg, nicely snug and itchy in a white cast, the questions would soon follow. Even from people I don’t usually talk to at all. And total strangers. It’s amazing. People I see on a daily basis automatically ask how my leg is each time I hobble my way around desks and chairs…its no different from yesterday, I can assure you. It’s the same shizz, different day. No, it doesn’t hurt. Just very very uncomfortable.

It will be five weeks this Saturday since ‘the accident’ and my next check-up will be tomorrow. I am hoping and praying that this rigid thing will come off then and my life will resume back to normal.

On Sunday after a huge toonai when I was using all the power I had to resist my eye lids from shutting, Maaveave came running with his leg seeping blood all over the floor. He’d been running around with his cousins playing hide and seek, over some broken bottles and other dangerous materials. Big gash on his foot. I couldn’t refrain from the serves-you-right-for-not-listening lecture that followed. All the while hobbling to the car and off we went to the hospital. The outpatient was buzzing on this Sunday afternoon with the stench of body waste heavy in the air. The mamoe and ulu that was devoured for toonai had to be gulped back down as I resisted the urge to chuck. Thank goodness we were shown into a private room, with air con. The same room they took me to fix the cast for my leg 4 weeks earlier.

Since my close encounters with the hospital this year, I must say I was impressed. Maaveave’s foot was soon cleaned, injected with numbing potion and three stitches and many more tears later, we were out of there. We didn’t have to wait for ages and the nurses were surprisingly good natured and smiling. This is very new to me especially at the hospital. So ten points for NHS.

But since its poor service rant week, yesterday I wanted to hit someone with my casted leg. That someone would have to be whoever was at the photo place opposite NPF in town. My cousin took photos there for a travel document and the photos were rejected because her eyes were half closed. I sent her there to get them to re-take the photos and they told her it would cost her another $10 for the second photos. So she had to pay again because they couldn’t take decent photos. So, if you are reading this, please refrain from ever giving said photo place any business. I was so mad I almost kung fu-ed my cousin for not throwing a tantrum and threatening a law suit!

Oka kai tuff.

me and my lover (a re-post)

2011-07-26T15:10:00.000-11:00

I have a confession to make. Im having an affair. And I must say my lover is fantastic. He is always there for me when I need him. Always ready to lend me a hand when im in desperate need. He knows the answer to just about every single question I have. He knows so so so much! I’ve gone to him in sickness and in health, in sadness and in happiness, in tears and laughter (yeah yeah…you get the point?) and he knows everything. I know I wont leave him. Or, at least if circumstances force us to be apart, I will FALL apart. Its an until-death-do-us-part kinda thing if you know what I mean. He tells me so much that at times I feel a bit overloaded with all the knowledge and information he shares with me. I try to tell my husband some of the things my lover and I talk about but he just rolls over and falls asleep! Ugh! So insensitive! And you wonder why im having an affair? Hmmmnnn? I guess the sheer sight of his back before my eyes has finally gotten to me. At least my lover never turns his back on me when im talking to him. Its disheartening for any girl I reckon, to be blabbing on about some exciting issue only to look over and be confronted with a broad back, accompanied by sounds of heavy breathing. At least I have a solution to that now. I can blab away to my lover all day long and when my husband turns his back, I’ll just do the same back to him. All the while looking forward to the next day where I can sit at my PC and look up anything I want to know about on the world wide web – my lover.

Ear infections and miracles

2011-06-22T09:10:00.000-11:00

Maaveave is quite prone to ear infections. Especially since Saturday, I took him for a swim at Tanoa and sure enough, he woke up crying on Sunday saying his ear was sore. Lucky John was there to give him pamol and comfort him.
His last ear infection was in May while we were in NZ. I remember it was a Wednesday night and he would wake up in tears from the pain. Early Thursday morning, John's siter Ina and I took him to see the doctor. He confirmed his inner ear was red and that he needed antibiotics. After we got the medicine, he took the first lot. He threw up. Tried to feed him but he didnt have an appetite. Tried to force him but he threw up again. This went on for the whole day. About three oclock, I tried to give him toast. Nada. And each time he took the medicine, he'd chuck it up again.

Around 5ish in the evening, John's sister signalled me silently and said to please tell the people at the door that her husband was not at home and still at work. I turned around to see two elders at the door. John quickly said to open the door. They were two Samoan boys from Samoa. I invited them in and asked them immediately if they could give my son a blessing as he was sick. They looked a bit alarmed and asked if I was a member. I said yes and so they came in and we went to the room and they gave Maaveave a blessing. We walked back outside and I led them to the garage where John's sister's husband was. I said thank you and went back into the house. I walked in and found Maaveave at the table eating a bowl of tuna and rice! He finished the food and John and I exchanged knowing glances. I was amazed at how much our Father in Heaven loves us and said to John that we needed to sit down and give thanks. He called everyone together and we delivered a very thankful prayer that evening.
What a miracle!

2011-06-21T09:53:00.001-11:00

Sometime around March, I noticed that people would be looking at my stomach at Maaveave's school. I often felt I should just look at them and wait for their eyes to meet mine then say, "Yeah, Im fat. And you're ugly. Go jump off a cliff or something." Until the day parents were invited to come in and see children's work at school and I had a nice little chat with Maaveave's teacher. Maaveave apparently tells her that God gave him a baby sister and its in his mummy's tummy. Apparently this he tells everyone. That explains the stares at my stomach. And it doesnt help that there is a healthy amount of lard sitting at my middle.

Discussions around baby 3 have been a frequent. My ovaries literally squeeze me when I see a new baby. I saw one particular cute saiga looking baby on Sunday at church and I wanted to take him hostage. When I think about lugging my swollen body around in that last trimester not caring about the pain of birth but just to get the baby OUT. Then there are the sleepless nights and early early morning calls to John cursing him for being in Savaii and not sharing the pain (the call is to mainly wake him up too so that he suffers along with me). The constant crying and you not knowing what is wrong and feeling helpless and useless. Being constantly attached to another human being and not being able to even go use the toilet before you hear them screaming the roof down. Ahhh..the list goes on. But to top it off - John being in Savaii. I have refused to have this bother me for a while but everytime he so much as breathes the word "baby", I release my venom that is my whole, "when you find a job on this island" speech and he quickly retracts and says to just leave it. And I am standing strong on this.

Chrsitmas Break Part II

2011-06-06T09:50:00.002-11:00

Well, not really. Its now June and boy, has there been a load of things happening. There always is.

First thing: I got baptized on 12 February 2011 and am now a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints - so dont try and shove alcohol down my throat like my husband does.

Its been great learning about the so many things I thought I knew! Will provide more of that as we go along but lets just talk about this weekend...

Another trip to the bigger island with Papalii C and faletua. We went to Le Lagoto on Saturday. What do you mean we were going to watch John marry a palagi couple and I was in shorts and a t-shirt, Trish in tights and polo shirt while our husbands looked awesome one in a Mena and the other in his spotless white I-am-the-wedder-man shirt. Only felt a little bit uncomfortable until my butt was back, parked confortably in one of their poolside chairs and sipping a ice-cold glass of yummy pineapple juice.

Maaveave enjoyed his two hour dip in the pool under the moon - yes it was dark by the time he woke up from his long nap in the van and thus, swimming in the moonlight. Hello Sunday morning, he woke up and had a frog in his throat. Either way, was a fun night and since everyone else that could drive was under the influence, I had to drive the long 40 minute drive back to Sapapalii.

Sunday was the usual - church in the morning then there was a massive spread of talo, luau, oka poge (my favourite), supo kauau pipi, mamoe kao le umu and puaa from the day before re-cooked in the umu cause it was very rare when they first put it on the table.

Ate too much then onto the boat and we were rocking back and forth to Apia trying very hard to keep the poge from jumping back outta my stomach. Oka se sou!

We are back to reality and am all of a sudden interested in the SWA position advertised in the paper - only they are asking for a Certificate in Management and I dont have one :)

Christmas break - Part I

2011-01-06T17:05:00.001-10:00

The Savaii Part

Two days after Christmas, the kids, John and I packed up and headed for the big island. We took our car filled with the smell of fresh bread and pani popo from Siaosi as well as our necessities for the rest of the holidays we were to spend in Sapapalii. I was very much looking forward to going away from Apia. Savaii is clean and I love how there is a feeling of community everywhere. I was convinced I wasn’t going to miss walking barefoot on clean, tiled floors and sleeping on a spring and fluffy mattress with access to as many pillows as my heart and body desired!

And I didn’t....

We got on the 2pm ferry that was chocablock with people, cars, suitcases, plasma tvs and other parcels and goodies that had been sent from thousands of miles for families on the big island. Home at Sapapalii was buzzing with activity. We were met by Nana Liva, Aunty Lagi, Petreliah, Pesa and Toni and of course, a massive feed.

The week went by quite quickly with so much activity happening. On Wednesday 29 Dec, the family rose early for the bestowment of 10 Papalii and 2 Taimalelagi titles to 12 members of the Malietoa Gatuitasina Family. Each was deemed worthy of the title and had been agreed to by the various extended bodies or tino of the aiga. Amongst the ten receiving the Papalii title was John’s eldest brother Camillo who also holds the title Fuimaono from his mother’s family. He also is the Samoan government's Controller and Chief Auditor. Another being bestowed the Papalii title is Charlie Fruean, a true descendant of the family from the line or suli of Taiulavao but some years ago, this side of the family were banished from Sapapalii. The story goes that an accident happened which resulted in the death of a man named Saitumua. Judging from the older men’s stories, this occurred around the early 1900s and Taiulavao’s line have since then been excluded from Sapapalii. So, it was all quite emotional and life changing for Charlie that day.

After the saofa’i ceremony, we all went for a long swim in the fresh water pool of Sapapalii and then we went our separate ways to rest and freshen up for the evening. We planned to go out for dinner with Charlie, his wife and family that had travelled from Apia for the event. Papalii Camillo returned to Apia on the 12pm boat back to his family and Papalii Henny took off to Sataua to another family gathering.

The idea of going out for dinner was overtaken by the prospect of having a barbeque at home after Lepesia and Tuki assured us that their barbeque cooking skills were the best in Savaii. Frozen chicken was defrosted and marinated with John’s special sauce. Jack Daniels broke out of its yellow duty free bag while the rest of the niu vodka got lost amongst the water flavoured by orange sprim. By 9pm, the hot juicy chicken was being devoured and at the same time, a rain cloud hovered and threatened a downpour. Moeimanono was the dj and amongst the selection was some reggae, some slow jams but it was mostly dominated by Eteru and Nifoloa. Company was good, food was delicious, the music was pumpin and sometimes mesmerising. Judging from the laughter that rose, the alcohol was surely working its magic.

Midnight crept up on us and next thing, there was some yelling. Nana Liva was back from bingo and she didnt win. The laughter rising up amidst the vocals from the boombox in the dead of night did not provide comfort for her loss. And neither for the sleeping villagers; according to Nana Liva. Party goers trickled off in a matter of minutes and goodbyes were hushed with the occasional drunk's voice breaking loose, oblivious to Nana Liva's commands to turn that radio off and go home and sleep! Time for my aluga but not to forget the panadol to cater for the hangover. Untidy.

Thursday, Papalii Charlie and family brought breafast and a storm was cooked up at home for all. They were booked on the 12pm ferry and so straight after breakfast, we packed up in the vehicles and made our way to the wharf to see them off. Once again, Salelologa was full of travellers either just arrived from Apia or leaving Savaii. After our farewells were said, we returned home and headed for the vai taele. Cool and refreshing water for a swim, it was bliss for our bodies after a day of sweating in the hot sun.

New Year's Eve finally arrived and by 6am, I was comfortably seated on the Lady Naomi III sipping instant coffee and trying not to breath when the dude next to me would turn his head my way and blow hot stench out of his mouth. He obviously didnt have time to brush and floss and gargle some scope. My mission that day was to head over to Tuaefu, take and record the shop's stock afterwhich I would then catch the 4pm ferry back that evening to spend the very last moments of 2010 with hubby and whanau. All went according to plan. Thanks to Phaedra, my ride to the whart only costed me ST$30 instead of ST$50 by taxi and with all the comforts of her conversation in her small, red and cute swift susuki. We got to the wharf early. I bought me a business class ticket then we headed to Le Vasa for a quick cocktail before boarding the vessel. At 4.10, I was seated in business class (first time riding in business class and fifty tala later) enjoying the Bee movie that was showing on TV.

That evening, I convinced hubby that we should take Nana Liva and Aunty Lagi to the Sogaimiti Restaurant's buffet dinner for New Year's eve.

To be continued...

random

2010-05-26T16:26:00.002-11:00

Some things I came across while cleaning my office and packing ready to leave this job.

The following verses were scribblings I found on a piece of paper next to the dress patterns above. I think these were scribbled during a lecture in 2008 when I was studying for my post grad dip. Shows how 'interesting' the lecture must have been. Hmnmnmn, think it mightve been the Monitoring and Evaluation one. hahaha.

The other two images are invitations to Nola and Celia's hen parties. Funny how cleaning and going through junk you come across so many things that remind of things..so many memories.

I liken you to jam
Sweet richness
Can be tangy
Sometimes seedy

I liken you to October
Dashes of sunshine
Bursts of bloom
Other times, some gloom

I liken you to my hair
Almost always tied up
Rarely set free
Abundant, course, wirey

Sound of Silence

2010-05-24T10:22:00.002-11:00

Ever occur to you that our lives are full of NOISES? Bussle of traffic, radio, typing on a keyboard, television, ac hum through the vents, mouse clicking…the list goes on. What’s funny though is that our ears are so accustomed, immune if you must, to the noise we hardly notice it until its all gone. Only then do our ears become full of silence and feel so …light! Been waking up early as and its during these wee hours of the morning that I finally hear the silence. Kids fast asleep, hardly no traffic on the roads, television off…just me and my thoughts. I usually wander around my garden crushing a sisi afelika here and there and just enjoy the fresh air, the occasional moa koko e and just immerse myself in the quietness. So peaceful, so relaxing. I don’t know how else to start a great day and I don’t care if you are reading this and think im a little crazy cause my theory is: we are all borderline mental anyway!

Over and out.

starting a herb garden

2010-03-19T13:43:00.001-11:00

Yeah, am getting domestic like that but then, ive always been like that. Im one of those people that cuts the bottoms off spring (green) onions, stick those in a cuppa water for planting 'later' and use the top parts for cooking. The later usually comes a week, two weeks or even a month after first contact! Yesterday however, I planted the green onions that have been in water since Sunday. Record time! Also stuck in the pots some mint I got given but didnt use all of. So now, going to expand a litte to some corriander and maybe some tomatoes. Better than all the weeds growing in the pots. Dunno what happened to the plants that were in there! Also had a look at thyme and rosemary. Definitely will be brining some seeds back with me from NZ.

Wouldnt mind going into some veges too. Had cucumbers before and they flowered just before I took off to have Afele and when I came back, two were yellow beyond consumption and one was just right. We had that one for lunch. Must say though those African Snails are bad. They ate all my carrots and lettuce! Going to get some stuff to kill the buggers too. Hmnmnm, shopping list growing, cash available questionable!

insomnia

2010-03-12T15:11:00.001-11:00

As the title indicates, i had trouble sleeping and now, oh how uggly i feel. Seems as though there are constant floating sparkling lights in my vision and my body feels extra heavy. Although the latter may be due to the unhealthy lunch i just had. Ice cream and CCs. Thats how out of it I feel. Yep, blame the lack of sleep.

Anyways, got some short termers staying at one of our rentals. Had to put sheets and pillows on the beds last night before they got in. Then spent like 15 minutes toppling on a chair trying to fix the front light. I wouldnt have bothered but that particular light is vital for people to see the staircase. Dont want no tennants suing us for falling down the staircase cause the light wasnt working! Uh, wouldnt that just make my day?

Onto other news, my life sucks. Yeah, we know that one already.

So what else...? Oh yeah, we are going to NZ for 10 days in week so during my sleepless night last night, i dreamt (without sleeping) about what id buy if I had like heaps of NZ money. High chair for baby, push chair for baby, a good frying pan, some herb seeds, vegetable seeds etc etc etc.

Am really diggin that song one of the girls on American Idol sang the other night. Its called the story by Brandy Carlisle. Note: if you are reading this, please play this at my funeral. Thats how much I love this song.

Started a reading program with Maaveave. Pretty cool. A 100 lessons and your kid learns to read. Its my kinda program - results are reachable!

Thats pretty much all for now...

testing out this iGoogle thing

2010-03-04T16:24:00.001-11:00

Am bloggin from this new gadget the internet told me to install. Seeing how it works out...

superstition

2010-02-18T14:20:00.000-11:00

So last night, I dreamt of someone getting married. I woke up and the images were still very vivid in my head. My friend Nell's sister Rodania was getting married on the same day as Nola. Weired cause Nola was married in 2004 (I think). There were images of Nell, Helene, Tasha and I hopping into a car to go to the wedding.

Now, I have noticed that there is a Ve'a squeaking its freaking whistle outside somewhere.

If you are samoan, you would know what these two things mean - someone is gonna die!

Kinda weird too cause someone is always gonna die. We are all gonna die.

Oh well, thought id post up my superstitions. You know what my next post will be about: Who died.

The End.

Luana

2009-06-03T16:02:00.000-11:00

I am so tired. I got out of bed at about 4:40am this morning so we could catch the first ferry from the bigger island back to Upolu. It wasn’t so much the early rise though that’s put my body to strain as the fact that I didn’t have much sleep at all to begin with. And then I got a massive shock hearing about a friend that’s got into a horrible accident and is now on life support. Life support that the family will be taking off shortly as her condition is dire and chances of recovery is next to nothing. Seeing the family mechanically move through the motions of funeral arrangements and what not while their eyes represent all that is shattered, all that could have been. What do you say to someone that has just had their heart wrung dry of all the tears their eyes could produce? Sorry about your loss? Somehow words like these just don’t cut it and all you could do is have your own heart bleed out with your sorrow overflowing out of your eyes for the mother, the father, the brother, the sisters, those that are her family and loved her and the rest of us that knew her and were somehow connected to her.

Life is so precious. So brittle. We know this, and yet, we go about our lives recklessly creating complexities for ourselves that seem so big and important and yet, in death, nothing else seems to matter…its al left behind. But then again, how else are we suppose to live if not the way we do? Should we simplify everything because of death? Does it mean we have to be so careful as to prolong our lives? Is the point of it all to live until we are old and grey?

Carrying this tiny life in my belly, I cant help pondering these things. As my pregnancy progresses, my plans are that this baby will be born. Somewhere along the way, he will grow up in the same world we are all in, go to school, make friends, learn to drive, eat pizza and he will get married, bear children and make me a grandmother. Im sure Adria thought these very thoughts from when she felt Luana move in her tummy. When she took her first steps, when she saw her off to her first day at school, when she took her to the doctor for a simple flu.

Someone murmured at the hospital this morning about how all the good ones seem to be taken while the bad are still alive. I couldn’t help thinking that we all go and yet, the loss that remains with those left behind could never be comprehended. One of the many complexities of being human I suppose. We hurt, we heal. Or we don’t but we keep going until it’s our time to depart and leave the hurting for others to do.

Okay, I am making myself cry here as I am writing this. Emotions going haywire with the pregnancy but oh well…adios

Overdue movies

2009-03-17T13:37:00.001-11:00

You can imagine how relieved I was when I walked into the video store with my three days overdue movie to find the attendant there preoccupied with sorting out some difficult issue with a customer.

Customer: “O a movies ga e overdue?”

Attendant reads out the names of movies

Customer: “Ia o aka ga a Sika ga e sau avaku i le makou account which is ga le kakau ga koe avea iai!”

Only then did I pay attention to the customer to find it was Aunty Ata trying to sort out some bill incurred by Sita! Hahahaha.

Its been so long

2009-02-23T16:07:00.000-11:00

Yes it has. I've been away for a whole year studying and now am back to where I was. It feels like nothing has changed at all and that the last year did not happen. I am back with the same job, same people and same problems.

On the home front, the husband now works on another island. It takes 2 hours to get there on both land and sea transport. He comes every weekend but its still hard. My son is still gorgeous and is every bit a chatter box. He asks about everything and when he gets the answer, there's always a why? that follows or 'then where does it go?" He is very adorable and has started going to pre-school.

We still live with my parents and my father still gives me the same s#%t.

After the experience of 2008, I feel as though there I had so much hope and now, its back to square 1, if not back at zero. And somehow, this is taking a toll on me. Yes, I am pregnant and am supposed to be tired and sleepy but I somehow feel that this with depression...it makes it worst. I would spend a whole day in bed sleeping and still feel tired after waking. Which then results to more sleeping. Not good I would think for the health and for my son always trying to get my attention by being my ever-so faithful chatter box. I love him to bits.

Well, that is a small re-cap on where my life is right now. Would try and update this this year...wish me luck!

Novelty slowly but surely wearing off

2008-02-04T21:34:00.000-11:00

So I have been in NZ for almost a month now. Yes, a month since I have seen my baby and that realisation took a real toll on my mental state this evening. With the cold biting my fingers and nose, it made it even worst.

A call home resulted fruitless as both my husband and son were "out" on a walk. Since when did they go for walks? Walks without me? Jealousy is a good descriptive word but does not really hit the nail in what I am trying to explain. I want to be at home.

I am growing sick of all the layers of clothing. I am getting tired of my runny and frozen nose. I cannot stand how impersonal it all seems! I am very much a people person and thrive on relationships I have with other people. I love walking down the street and meeting someone I know and having a chat with them.

I long to engulf my son in my arms and give him a hug. The feeling cannot be explained of when you feel him hug you back with as much might as his small body will allow. Its at times like these that I know I am reaping the rewards of being a mother. I miss waking up at night and wondering whether I am drowning only to find my son lying across my chest, his head resting comfortably on my belly. I can just see him with excitement spilling from his face; running as fast as he could to greet me as I come home from work. He jumps into my arms and I shower him with all the kisses I can muster while all he is interested in is what treat I have for him in my handbag.

I took two buses and train today to get to school. Total travelling time approximately 1 hour. I saw hundreds and hundreds of people being it peak time when everyone was making their way to wherever they needed to go. And it was all done in silence. Occassionally you would hear the chatter of school goers at the very rear end of the bus. Or two friends who clearly follow a routine of travelling together each morning. Never would a random person say good morning or offer help as you walk around looking for the sign that says platform V. After going back to the sign further down that says platform V with an arrow - you follow the direction given by the arrow and still - no magical appearance by platform V. You face your dilemma in silence until you get enough balls to ask someone. They help but not after they've looked you up and down to assess whether or not you would run off with their hand bag.

Its at these moments that you long for that heat to engulf you and have you prespire for no good reason at all. To have someone beep their horn and wave frantically from their car window while dodging an idiotic taxi driver slowing down unnecessarily because he spotted a potential passenger. To see a familiar face and have them stop you and ask you how you are. To be offered information just because you looked interested.

I am really beginning to miss home while I certainly and acutely miss my darling son.

responsibility

2008-01-24T08:41:00.000-11:00

So I have been away from my family for 16 days today. I miss them dearly but not terribly. I dont feel a yearning to see them or to hug them. I dont feel that this is a bad thing. I feel that this "time away" was something that was long overdue for my personal well-being. I have a lot of time on my hands so I do a lot of thinking. And I mean A LOT of THINKING. This surely cant be too healthy but it feels good to be able to talk to myself again. To contemplate things in my small head and tune into that sixth sense of getting the feel of things, situations and peolpe. The results are amazing! I am now a true believer of "Trust your instincts!"

This post I have headed responsibility. I guess after listening to Alanis Morisette's Perfect, I got thinking about my childhood. There are stark similarities of my childhood to this song. I guess I was always pushed to do better at school and even now, my parents, father in particular, expects me to do more. He expects me to be more like him. I find it very hard to do this as much as I want to please him and make him proud. I feel as though everyday, its a struggle for me to be me. It sometimes feel as though I am drowning in it all. And so while I am roaming the streets of Wellington taking in the possibilities, the choices, the varieties, the culture, the freedom, I cant help but appreciate my Dad, my Father. Without the shit he put me through, I dont think I could survive in this bigger world. Thanks Dad.

So I didnt really mean to go into all that but where I was going with this post I guess is parenting. Yes, PARENTING. Its a responsibility way bigger than me and just this morning, as I thought about my childhood and its woes, it again dawned on me that being a parent spells huge responsibilities. The person/people your children will become is in a big way, the result or product of your parenting. I know this isnt a new discovery nor is it rocket science. But still, it never fails to amaze me that I am now a parent and every once in a while, I wonder if I am doing a good job.

At the end of the day, I guess it comes down to whether my kid will be an axe murderer or your average, every day, crazy-once-a-while person just like I am!

Holiday Home in Samoa

2008-01-22T08:29:00.000-11:00

Hey, if anyone is interested in visiting Samoa and wants a clean, spacious and self contained place to stay, drop us an email and we can hook you up.

Email: theresamasoe@gmail.com

or call my Dad on +685 24246 - ask for Toilolo.

Kiwi Businesswoman Blasts Toilet Man

2008-01-22T08:13:00.000-11:00

A trip to a toilet in Apia has upset one New Zealand-based Samoan businesswoman so much; she wants to tell the world about it.

An angry Misa Emma Kesha said she would never forget the day she had an argument with ‘a toilet man.’
“I don’t want people to think that I’m a stirrer but complaints are good because they can help prompt improvement in services,” she told the Samoa Observer.

“I was in town looking around and buying postcards for friends in New Zealand,” she explained. “I always enjoy telling them about my visit home.”

However, she said she felt the urge to go.
“I forgot about the bathrooms at McDonald’s family restaurant, which I could’ve used because they’re much cooler and hassle-free,” she said.

So she ended up at the public toilets behind the Nelson Memorial Library.

“I went in to the toilet and the man in charge who was standing at the door demanded that I give him my handbag,” she explained.

“My handbag contained my passport, bank and visa cards, license and a lot of money.
“He was growling and continued to demand my handbag. I said to him if he was crazy, or if he had a brain.”

But the man insisted.

RUDE
“I couldn’t believe,” she said. “The way he demanded the bag from me was rude. So I told him, I don’t know you from a bar of soap so I don’t trust you.”

But Misa said the man’s retort shocked her.
“He said to me, you are lucky to have a toilet to use,” she recalled.

As a matai, she said the man was disrespectful and downright arrogant.

“He told me it was a policy that all handbags or bags of any kind, are kept outside. But why?
“No one has the right to tell me what to do with my handbag. I have never been treated like this in any country, only in Samoa.”

Misa said she has travelled extensively to countries like India, Singapore and New Caledonia, and has never come across such treatment.

“Is this how tourists are treated?” she asked.
“Is this the kind of attitude our people here show to returning Samoans?

“I think of myself as a tourist and as a Samoan visiting my home but if this is how Samoa is being promoted to the tourism industry, then I don’t know.

“My Tongan friend who was here for the South Pacific Games, when she returned home said “Misa your country is beautiful.”

“But this kind of attitude is ruining it.”
Misa said if the man had asked nicely, she would have understood.

“But was growling and he continued demanding that I give him my bag,” she said.

“There was nothing in that toilet to steal and they even give you sheets of toilet paper so I don’t understand the way I was treated.”

CARETAKER
Asked for a comment, one of the caretakers, Lauatea Masefou said the policy has been in place for years to minimise damage to the facility. Ms Masefou and her husband are employed to look after the facility.

“The policy stops people from damaging the facility,” said Ms Masefou.
”In the past, when me and my husband first became caretakers of the place, we had a lot of problems in restoring the facilities to a clean condition.

“The bathroom has 12 cubicles but when we came in, only four were usable because people had damaged the facility using in appropriate materials and flushing it down the toilet.

“The walls were badly damaged and there were swear words and inappropriate drawings all over the walls.

“We are always careful about who we allow in the bathroom with their bag and we don’t.

“There have been people who refuse to leave their bags outside, so they are allowed inside with them.”

In Misa’s case, she forcefully took her bag inside, she said.

It’s unfortunate for the poor toilet man behind the Nelson Library to get such bad publicity. I say unfortunate because I have always admired both him and his wife and the work that they do. This has got to be the cleanest public toilet I know in Apia. Maybe not by New Zealand standards, but certainly by our local standards.

I read this article with mixed emotions. On the one hand I understand where Ms Kesha is coming from and on the other, I totally know where my toilet man is coming from. I too would not have let go of my handbag (in the rare event that I had money in it!) but if my job was to mind 8 broken toilets and 4 that are functional, I would not give ANYONE the slightest chance to ruin the very few toilets that work.

In saying this, a small but humble advice to Ms Kesha. No, we don’t usually treat tourists like that - with rudeness and what not. Being Samoan you would know that we are friendly people. My toilet man is only human and must have had a bad day. Minding toilets in Samoa where cleaning products are expensive and plumbers are hard to come by, please give him a break. Visit another public toilet and then you will understand where I am coming from. Mr. Toilet Man behind the Nelson Library is doing a wonderful job. He even lives there because he wants to give our public clean toilets. How is that for commitment?

To my toilet man behind the Nelson Library - malo lava le tauatai. E le faigofie lau galuega. You are appreciated and you can take my handbag any day even if you were a bar of soap and I will not be worried because I know where you live!

The Tattooist

2007-10-30T12:58:00.000-11:00

Great movie. Liked the plot and enjoyed the holywood-ing of our pe'a ceremony. But kinda squirmed in my seat when I heard the nz-borns try to speak Samoan. Whoever wrote that script shoulda repplaced all the t's with k's to give a more natural curve. Oh well. It was made for the palagis anyway. Guess I wasnt supposed to understand the Samoan words.

Watching this movie in Samoa in a theatre full of Samoans is another experience. Probably why I enjoyed myself so much. Well, other than the fact of Jason Behr...oka se aulelei o le jama. But that is something else...But the Samoan humor...People dying brought waves of laughter from the audience. Jason Behr's attempts to woo Sina were easily muted by the polos in the back row snickering and giggling.

Se malo lava le fai mea pepelo.

Howdy howdy

2007-10-30T12:07:00.000-11:00

So the feeling has returned to publish some thoughts here especially following the great excitement of the Nation-wide Tsunami Drill yesterday....

I dressed specifically in shorts, t-shirt and jandals for the occasion. In no way was I going to run up Mt Vaea in a skirt and the "gilas". But I was not like to fall over while the masses made their way to higher ground....like i saw some do rather unfashionably! Can you believe some idiots dragged their stilettos all the way to the prayer house and back? On tar seal? All I can say is, you woulda gotten a great work-out at the expense of not only your feet but those beautiful heels.

To some extent, seeing the corporate community make an effort to make the drill a success warmed my heart. Eventhough the sun was hot enough to fry our brains, the sight of the average overweight samoan huffing and puffing to make it up the hill somehow made the distance easier.

Of course there was the occasional fia malie that decided to scream "help" at the midst of our efforts to put one foot in front of the other. It did give us a good opportunity to stop for a bit of air and to laugh.

The drill did upset our work schedule for the rest of the day but hey, Im not complaining.

I got caught afterwards in a discussion involving blisters that resulted in very loud and samoan eruptions of laughter. You can easily guess what this discussion was about IF and only IF you are Samoan. Dont you love our humour? We can make some painful experience very funny. And private parts very public for that matter.

Only in Samoa.

runaway chicken

2007-08-28T16:39:00.000-11:00

At the tip of everyone's tongue are the letters SPG im sure.
But between my teeth is chicken threatening to grow legs
And run back to the box where it came from.
Say no to unprotected sex and food poisoning.
Faamolemole, we dont have any pepto.
The laukuava will do thank you.

Bottled water or how about a bottled coke?
Not the maka'eka'e bottle, its now a plastic fagu
And you have to plant a tree after every mouthful.
Because being a winner is to being a binner
Or is it bin it, win it. Se kailo se.

Im gonna jump for the gold, im gonna run for the gold.
Nevermind the sore back there from the swan
I'll remember johnson and johsson soft wipes
Or maybe e best ai lava fu'afu'a leaf
Tupu le vevesi oga o le faiga a le runaway chicken

So! its been a while...

2007-04-20T11:06:00.000-11:00

I make no apologies for why I havent been updating as I cant even remember what my excuse is/was except that of being lazy (and that excuse is just so overused!)

So ANYWAYS...on to other things...this morning I was cordially alerted about a letter to the editor in the paper concerning our Ministry. As soon as I got my hands on the paper, I read the article out loud (as it was in Samoan) to my co-workers afterwhich we conducted a very interesting and hot debate on how this Ministry should be run. Now because I value my job, I will not go into the details for fear of getting FIRED but lets just say that my personal comment to the person that wrote to the paper is "YOU GO GIRL (OR MAN!), whoever you are!" Its about time someone brought out into the open what is really cooking deep within our bureaucracy and it aint steak with mash potatoes if you ask me.

Im gonna be real cheap and end this post here because I have a meeting right now. Gotta go prep so I wouldnt look like a dumb idiot during the meeting...

Adios

Conversations with my psyche

2007-02-08T12:57:00.000-11:00

Yesterday, I just bought 8 packets of M&Ms from Amau. I was amazed at my psychic powers because I heard clearly in my head what the check-out girl was thinking, “and THIS is why you are not a size 10 like me” I turned around just to make sure that no one actually said this out loud. And also to make sure that no one else spotted me getting the 8 packets. Actually, I didn’t really care if anyone saw me. Because my own psyche was telling me not to care. Its not all for you anyway. And that check-out girl? She’s got eyes the size of Savaii. That is so unattractive. Maybe on some but not on a horse-lookalike.

Out of the eight packets, I had about 5 M&Ms. Six went to Cam, one to Andrew and the rest either went to John or Ave.

They are so greedy.

But I guess Im just bitter cause I only HAD FIVE! And I want some NOW!

It’s a beautiful day.

when the hype is on

2007-02-06T08:46:00.000-11:00

Afraid of the usual disappointment, I didnt bother to watch the finals of the Wellington 7's where our team was facing the Fiji team. I am also a bit superstitious and thought maybe I was bad luck and maybe if I didnt watch the game they would win. And they did. I watched what must have been the 3rd replay of the games a few days later and must say, our boys did really well. A win well deserved and playing with their hearts giving their all for their country. Malo lava!

The big win was on Friday night. It gave a good reason for the whole country to go up in celebration. Im sure Vailima brewries made a killing.

On Saturday, the final for the Oceania Volleyball Tournament held at Tuanaimato again saw Samoa facing New Zealand for both the men and women's teams. I happened by the games at just the right moment by accident. My cousin and I were going for a walk when we passed the gymnasium and decided to go in and see what was happening.

The finals of the women's teams were playing. NZ vs Samoa. Judging from the look of things, we stood no chance. The NZ team not only had a proper uniform, they were tall, toned and looked fit. Our team, well, not so much. It was a close game during the second set. That left the last set to decide the winner. Once more I was surprised that we had won! All the more adding to the excitement.

The boys were playing NZ next and again, we won. Yay! It was also a win well deserved and well played for both teams. I can imagine that the hype from the rugby must have added that little bit of confidence that is contributing to our improved performance. I think that maybe this year will be a good year for us in sports especially with the SPG coming up. Finally we can show the south pacific if not the world, that we can do it when our hearts are in there.

The Calm Before the Storm

2007-01-22T12:57:00.000-11:00

I've been highly cautious if not highly bothered by the weather lately and the sight outside today is a perfect picture to describe the "The Calm Before the Storm." You can hear a stone drop. The sea is calm and the coconut trees that are usually pretty against the seawall loom like they too are listening and awaiting what is to come. The sky is overcast with a tint of purple lining the horizon and adding to the overall gloom of the day. The air feels heavy and the ground is wet and soggy.

Prayers that we dont get a cyclone this season.

Pregnant or not?

2007-01-12T09:55:00.000-11:00

Im afraid to do the test in case it comes out possitive and then what are we gonna do? Not me. The babysitter. She came back from a three week holiday and has been "sick" saying her chest feels like its closing in making it hard to breathe. I thought it was indigestion and gave her some Eno and Pepto. But she was still in bed after two days. We took her to the hospital and the doctor asked her if there was a chance she might be pregnant. She of course said no. So we are wondering wondering. Waiting Waiting. The first day she got sick, John immediately said she might be pregnant as what was happening are the first symptoms of pregnancy....riiight honey! 'Cause you're the expert! I initially thought she was going through what I was going through...a kind of a reality hit. But, as her sickness is prolonging...just maybe she is. I might just get those tests today and have her do it. My gosh...what if?????

Everything's wrong

2007-01-11T10:08:00.000-11:00

I smile but really I want to growl and sneer. I dont feel like being nice today. Im tired of small talk and I hate questions like "how are you?" I sit at work and think about everything but work. Attention span is very short. I dont want to be here. I dont want to be in this country. I dont want to be in this world, this life. I want to throw a glass at the wall and watch it shatter. I want to kick someone in the shin just to see them double over in pain. Im annoyed. For why, I dont know. Maybe its the heat. Maybe its the broken air conditioning. Maybe its the constant whirring of a lawnmower from outside. Maybe its because the year has changed but yet nothing's changed in my life. Maybe its just PMS.

I was discussing something and as my co-worker was blabbing away, I only realised what she was saying when I heard her say, "You have a quizzical look on your face. Don't you agree with this idea? What are you thinking?" I was this close *indicates small distance between finger and thumb* to saying what I was really thinking about. This:

A lot of blank spaces. Looks like 2007 will be a ball....

Back to Work Blues

2007-01-09T13:54:00.001-11:00

The holidays have come and gone maybe a bit too fast. At least I can say I planted a garden, spent lots and lots of time with my son and managed to avoid fighting with my husband for each and everyday we spent at home. We also spent a day together with my mother at Piula before 2006 ended. It was John's first time there and he loved it. He hates sea water as it gives him the itches. And I got a great tan.

Its back to work again and I dont know if its selective or my memory has just failed me. I can hardly remember where to continue with work. All I can think of is my son and what he might be doing at this very moment. Highly selective I would think. I look around me and feel lost in my small office space. I try to think about work and what I should be doing but all I manage to do is ask myself what I am doing here! Gosh this sucks.

6 Unique Things About Me

2006-12-12T16:06:00.000-11:00

So I got tagged to do this. And although I’ve taken aaaages to do this (sorry!) I thought I would add that I’ve changed the title from “6 Weird Things About Me” to this because it’s a bit more happy and positive to fit my current mood (hope this is alright with you Dylan).

1. I LOVE Vegemite

This might not sound too unique but when you are married to someone from Sapapalii who gags at the mere sight of vegemite, you get to feel quite special
(sometimes too special…).

2. I get along famously with my boss

This is actually a blessing considering how many employee/employer relationships tend to be tough. Although a few posts back I was whining about my job, the work has picked up a fair bit and we are doing a few more things so time at work isn’t as strained. But my boss is a great guy and is a good manager.

3. I have close friends that are above 50

All of them are ex-work colleagues and female. One of them lives overseas and every time she comes over we go to see a movie and do what most people in usual friendships do. We even take the time to have a couple of laughs over various jugs of daiquiris! The other one of them is 65 and is my mother.

4. I whistle when I’m bored…

…or when I’m really into doing something that I particularly enjoy, I succumb to the dancing feeling on my lips and start whistling. I find this interesting as men usually do this sort of thing and would like to know if this is just a “me” thing or do other girls do the same…?

5. I get very paranoid at the slight mention of “uku”

I think the girls at Amau think my head is infested with ukus because I have almost bought all the selu ukus at that store. You see... every time I get one, someone would see it and want to borrow it. But who wants a selu uku back? Not me. So I have been buying them every time someone borrows mine and now I keep them hidden and always with me in my handbag. A small itch on my skull would find me in some corner with my hair around my face and the comb furiously trying to comb out the little pests that are most of the time imaginary on my part. Even as Im typing this I feel as if things are crawling on my head…

6. I will not wear lavalavas

Yeah, some Samoan I am but I’m not talking about the lavalava you throw on at home. I love those. Im talking about the lavalavas that come with a top to make a puletasi. Because of my voluptuous figure, the string never fails to ride up my slim waist leaving the actual lavalava suspended on my mid-ass. Not. A. Pretty. Sight. Especially when the said top is not long enough to cover all the skin tissue. So I've resorted to making the bottom part of my puletas skirts.

So there. So can I tag Pinky’s Brain. Yes I can…Pinky, you are TAGGED. Just cause you are one unique person I know that would put down some interesting things and put a smile of our faces!

2006-12-05T08:47:00.001-11:00

To laugh often and much
To win the respect of intelligent people
And the affection of children,
To earn the appreciation of honest critics
And endure the betrayal of false friends,
To appreciate beauty,
To find the best in others,
To leave the world a bit better,
Whether by a healthy child, a garden patch
Or a redeemed social condition,
To know even one life has breathed easier
Because you lived
This is to have succeeded.

Ralph Waldo Emerson, quoted by Fred Hollows in his autobiography.

life's a ball

2006-11-30T14:44:00.000-11:00

Things have just been fine lately. This may have contributed a little to the lack of posts but a big part of that is just laziness. I mean, dont you feel that when there's drama, something goes off in your head and you think, "Ahhh, there's something I could blog about.."?

So we've had baby's birthday (Im actually trying my best not to call baby "baby" cause he's not a baby anymore...sniff sniff....) It was a great party. Went through a fair bit of stress for it but thats okay. We had fun and so did the kids which is the best bit about it.

John went to Fiji for an anti corruption consultation on the 14th and 15th of November. He went via Auckland and came back the same route. He spent a few extra days in Auckland and did some shopping. I was really pleased with what he got. I wrote him a detailed list and all but I was still proud that he was able to figure out the right sizes and colors. He got baby ...I mean Ave.. and I some clothes. He also got himself some nice shirts and a couple of shorts. He also brought over a box that was the size of a small island from my sister. It contained a set of plastic drawers for baby's clothes, some clothes and chips (a lot of chips - grainwaves, cheezles, biguns etc) for Ave's birthday party. Boy, we saved heaps on the snaks cause the amount of chips in that box was enough to feed five birthday parties! I was a bit perturbed with what happened to the rest of the chips from the party but thats another post. This is a happy post....

Work's been good. Really good actually. We've got a new lady working with us and she's different. Has a different approach but the best thing I like about her is that she loves her mother to death. Her mother is 98 and is living with her family. That is quite a rare thing in modern society, especially in palagi society, to be looking after an elderly parent. Usually, the parent would be taken to an old people's home. So I was both surprised and pleased to find out about Libby's Mum. She used to be a florist so Libby is having a ball taking photos of our beautiful tropical flowers and sending them to her Mum. I printed out a picture of a gerbra from my garden and gave it to Libby for her Mum. Here's the pic and hope you enjoy its beauty as much as I do....

The Story of My Friend

2006-11-15T11:34:00.000-11:00

The curser is continuously blinking as if to beckon words that would mould together and form thoughts. In strings of sentences, thoughts might just appeal to someone. There is a lot of words and the well of thoughts is never dry. But it is the appeal that I worry about. Depending on the reader’s tastes, expectation and experience, so would be the appeal of my thoughts to them. And the other part depends also on the writer and how the words and thoughts are organised. How do you raise an issue and ensure that the readers fully gauge the writer’s feelings? It can simply be stated and the issue will be known, but how do the feelings come through?

I’ve got a story to tell. I thought it was a story worth telling. The story goes like this…

I’ve been trusted with a friend’s secret; one that I can’t tell anyone, obviously. However, the matter of the fact is that the “secret” has raised warning bells within me on the oh! so famous issue of infidelity and the hell it heaves. And of course being the newly married young couple that John and I are, I sit and wonder, in light of this secret, about how if by any chance God forbid I was to find myself in my friend’s shoes.

To cut a long story short, my friend found his wife was having an affair with another man while he was overseas on business. He was told by another friend who also told him that most of their other friends knew about it. It seemed that all knew about the affair except him.

My friend has two children to his cheating wife. A fourteen-year-old girl and an eleven-year-old son. He is quite close to his daughter and thinks the world of her. He’s always talking about her. A month after my friend discovered the affair, his daughter was rushed to hospital. She had overdosed on panadol.

He later found that the poor girl had guessed out her mother’s affair. The mother was decent enough to be banging the husband of the woman that employed her daughter. The daughter found herself in a tight situation where she was unable to tell her father (or rather did not know how to) nor her employer. She withdrew into her room where she listened to music that spoke her reality and the relief of suicide. Finally, one day, the weight of it all was too hard to carry that she sat there downing panadols, hoping she’d never wake up again. She did wake up again and routinely prepared for school and caught the school bus that morning. A few minutes later, she’s rushed off to hospital vomiting. My friend heard that morning what every father hopes never to hear. That his daughter had overdosed.

So I’m listening as my poor friend pours his heart out. I’m a bit unsure of what to say and do as this friend ain’t exactly a life-long, personal friend, if you know what I mean. So I say I was sorry, wish him the best of luck in sorting it out, and dart out the room. The whole time after that I was thinking what in the world I’d do if that was me????

He said he never saw it coming. I firmly believe though that you will see an affair coming from afar. There are certain signs, right? Right? Maybe my friend never saw it coming because he was away half the time! That has to be it. Maybe the trust was given too freely. Maybe he was just somehow blinded. Maybe she was bored. Maybe she's just a cheating beeyatch...

Its a whole bunch of maybes.

But I cant help wondering at my own marriage. Would my husband cheat on me? Would I cheat on him? What makes someone have an affair? Would I be able to see something like this coming? See it before I start hearing things in this small island of course!

Well, whatever happens, if I ever found my husband having an affair, I hope and pray to God that He gives me the strength to hold back from stabbing or boiling the bastard to death!

five ways to know people read your blog

2006-11-09T16:04:00.000-11:00

Well I dont really have five ways to tell you but one way I found was to leave your blog for a while, dont post for months and then you'll start getting comments like this:

Reesa...I'm calling you? Where did you disappear to girl? Come back! ;)

and

Why foa you no blog? Update! :)

I feel so loved *sigh* Its nice to know that the nonesense I post up here about myself is actually read by fellow bloggers!

Fank it yew!

its that time of year

2006-10-03T08:42:00.000-11:00

I think if Samoa had all four seasons, this time would be Spring. And my favourite flower of all time is in full bloom. Every chance I get, I'm out with my ~~office~~ camera flicking away. My boss has the same fascination for the same flower and has also been flicking away. Isnt this flower just pretty?

Blogger is being difficult today and isnt responding to the other pics so will post em later.

whats your take?

2006-09-13T13:43:00.000-11:00

So i've been hearing a lot about ghosts and spirits lately. I've been wanting to post about it but been putting it off. I even began a post, saved it as a draft and then deleted it. So if you are a palaai like me, then you can stop reading right here. But if not...check out the stories about ghosts (or watever you want to call it) that people who've told it swear its the truth.

Riding home on horseback after a late night of visiting with relatives, my grandfather tells of how his horse would stand taut, mane hair rigid. Rain would be spitting and up ahead, he could see a figure of a person walking towards him. The person is holding a taamu leaf to shelter from the rain and in his other hand, holding a lantern. The first thought that comes to his mind is how the lantern could keep on burning in the rain. Only when the person passes would the horse once again move. Nothing too odd about the incident until he turns a moment later to find that the person that just passed him is nowhere to be seen...

When John's father was working in Asau back in the day, they would have to wake up early in the morning to make the three hour drive from Taga on the other side of the island. There's a long strip of bush area in Neiafu and one morning, on his lonesome drive, John's father saw a lone figure on the road. He stopped to offer this person a ride knowing there are no houses for miles. The person hopps in the truck and John's father greeted the man and starts up a conversation. It seemed odd that the man would not turn his face nor replied when asked a question. He seemed to munching on something. John's dad got a bit annoyed and asked him if he had a mouth or not. The person turned and almost poked John's dad's eye out. His nose was so long it reached from the other side and almost reached John's dad's face! Freaky!

Alrighty, i'll stop here cause I know I sound ridiculous with these stories. And recalling has sufficiently freaked me out in the middle of the afternoon. Suppose you'll have to hear it to believe it or better yet, see it to believe it. But share your views: What is your take on spirits, ghosts, demons etc????

because imma complainer like that

2006-08-31T10:33:00.000-11:00

Good Lord…the last thing I want to do is whine like a beeyatch but imma do it cause ...cause I can.

I hate work. There are times when I really enjoy what I do but as of late, I’ve come to despise coming to this place every friggin day. I’m so sick of it. I’m afraid to sleep because I know when I wake up, I have to invest so much effort into showering, getting dressed and saying goodbye to my son just so I could torture myself with yet another boredom-infested day in this hole.

The irony of it all though is that when I stay home, I miss it. I miss sitting in my chair with my view of luscious green outside bordered by the blue of the ocean which on windy days is tinted with the white of waves breaking. I miss the soft whirring of my fan as it tries its best to keep an air c-deprived office cool. And most of all I miss my best friend Internet who brings life to the bored, knowledge to the idiot and best of all, brings geologically divided friends into one room where all day everyday we gossip, we talk, we laugh and tease each other till we hear that familiar siren go off indicating the end of yet another day at work.

A brawl on the Court

2006-08-18T14:42:00.000-11:00

As much as I want to be dramatic and say there was blood and gashes and black eyes, ariena. It wasn’t that bad a brawl. But it sure wiped out any urge I had of playing basketball.

Our basketball team entered into this tournament that’s now been on for over a month. There are only five girls teams and we’ve been doing alright. We played in the Independence tournament and came away with the shield. Through out this tournament, we have to defend the shield. Our first game of this tournament, we thrashed the other team. Our second game, WE got thrashed. By none other than Nonu Samoa. They aren’t particularly a really really good team. They seemed to have more experienced players who are much more aggressive. Okay-thats putting it mildly. Those girls are butch you'd get scared just by a glance from one of them. And they had defence play that was fool proof. That was what broke us. We were much fitter, much younger but they had the defence. And apparently, a good offence is a good defence. Or something like that. So they took the shield from us. Last night we played our second game with them. Now they had to defend the shield. Half time and we were leading 8-2. second half, their players were a bit more tired and bit more mad. One of their players was being particularly pushy, using her elbows during the whole game. And when she did it to our centre, she had no patience for that. She stepped right in and elbowed her right back. Next thing, they were trying to hold the two back. Our centre mouthing this and that to her and their player tryna be a know-it all and saying lets take it outside. Our centre against this horse of a woman would break into two being the skinny thing she is. So we stuck close by her. Full time score: 28 – 14. Was that a thrashing or what? We got OUR shield back. Although I gotta say its one hella ugly shield. Poor Nonu. They were mad and angry. And im worried those butch players might jump our team mate somewhere out dark. Now wouldn’t that be something to make the news on Sunday?

why do we do the things we do?

2006-08-17T16:09:00.000-11:00

I have no idea why, but for the last week or so, i've been irritable. Very irritable. Irritation from which stems the anger that seems to be hoovering over my being, waiting to explode and collapse all the sense, rationality and logic that i've learned to practice over the course of my young(ish) life. Anger. So evil, so clingy, so present. So crippling of the mind. Its scarey thinking about it and knowing about it. But its scariest to not know how to deal with it. Suppose control plays a big part. Patience plays another large part. And I know these things. But somehow, anger turned into rage, has a way of attacking control and patience. Anger becomes endemic within seconds of it surfacing. Patience and control? Out the window. Sense and logic? Down the toilet. Gone.

Anger. Rage. Violence. More violence. Abuse. Physical and verbal. Tears. Bruises. Embarrassment.

Its a vicious cycle. And its happened often. Way too often. But why? Why do I do these things? Why cant I stop? Im sure as hell that love is there. So why does anger always win when love should be stronger? Why do these feelings come up inside of me? How do I stop them?

They say anger could be used in a good way. Like how Adam Sandler used it in Water Boy. An article says:

Anger is a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion. But when it gets out of control and turns destructive, it can lead to problems—problems at work, in your personal relationships, and in the overall quality of your life. And it can make you feel as though you're at the mercy of an unpredictable and powerful emotion.

Its become a problem and I know it. Its affecting my family, the ones I love most. I feel held down, captured, imprisoned by anger. And I dont know how to get out of this bondage. I desperately need to be free. Break away before I start sliding down the hill of destruction. Should this be the case, id truly and honestly rather be dead so Lord help my soul.

its just unfair

2006-07-31T10:08:00.000-11:00

In spite of the fact that I dont want to whinge and complain about it, i'll do it anyway. Just so I can feel better. Ironic that I know it wont make me feel any better but what the heck? I'll just do it anyway.

I applied for a scholarship to do postgrad studies and got accepted but (there is always a big fat BUT) ...Im not eligible. As plain as it is. And its all cause of this darn NZ Citizenship I inherited from my father. Well, I've gotta say the NZ passport has saved me from applying for visas and such but its also prevented me from being eligible for funding to pursue further studies. Well, funding from AusAID that is. NZAID allows you but they dont offer distance education. And NZ universities dont offer much variety as the Aussies do.

So im sitting here staring the application forms with a heavy feeling. I keep on reading question 7 over and over hoping that it would somehow change. Nope. Zit. Nada. I just cant. Although I was born in Samoa, raised in Samoa, educated in Samoa ('cept 3 years in Welly where I did my undergrad) and am now working for the government of Samoa (since 2002), just because my father happened to live in NZ for 22 years and got citizenship, passed it on to me, I am not eligible for funding. Definitely no BUTS there.

Oh well. Maybe something else will come up. Just maybe. And I think I feel a bit better now. Just a little bit until I glance over and see the application forms again....arrrgghhh!

I leave you with this beautiful view of Apia.

Happy Anniversary

2006-07-24T16:21:00.000-11:00

Yes, its been a whole year (July 23rd) since we got married. It doesnt seem that long and Im not sure if thats a good thing or not. Looking back though, I dont see any regrets. So far, i've pretty much had a good marriage. Notice the i've part....wonder if John feels the same way.

*Note to self: Ask John if he's had a good marriage*

So back to my anniversary. We didnt do anything special except hang out with baby. By the time we got out of bed, mass was already half way through (sorry dad) so I got my head straight into cooking lunch. I made chicken soup, stir fry and potato fries. T'was yummy.

I feel as though this is a very boring post and i've lost motivation to write anything compelling or interesting so we'll leave at that for now.

a massage

2006-07-19T09:40:00.000-11:00

Oh how I long for one. My body feels as though its been hit by a truck over and over and over. Even the little parts on the insides of my wrists are sore. Even my pinkie feels like it was in the twin towers on 9/11. Only the thought that the pain will eventually pass is keeping me from jumping out my window.

Its from all the excercise ive been torturng my body with.

From months and months of inactivity to this sudden boost of vigorous training...and then there's the higher number of "outings" and late nights lately... and then theres the increased rate of alcohol intake. My life is slowly getting back to "normal" after acquiring a house, a husband, a bunch of in-laws, a baby and a babysitter. An now, im feeling the impact of trying to get back into some kind of shape - whatever that may be. I know all it takes is a good rest and some powerade but...(theres always a but)...yeah...cant do that really. I mean, how? Just how can I miss out on all the drinking and partying and time with baby? There's no time!

Gosh, imagine when baby number two arrives! Thank God for contraceptives!

Two days ago I saw my friend eeda. She is pregnant and she is huge. Im so glad I went through that process and survived. It looks so tiresome being pregnant. Although eeda seemed energetic and happy to be pregnant. She's looking very healthy and I am so happy for her.

Well seeing as i've just hit a brick wall on what else to write i'll say adios!

When I die

2006-07-10T09:23:00.000-11:00

Ever thought about when you die? I know its a rhetorical question but still.... I always think about it and usually talk about it to John. He used to get antsy about the question but after my prodding and nudging, we're finally able to hold a conversation about it. To him, if you say it out loud, it just might happen. Dude, whether you talk about it or not, Death is as sure as taxes (seen Meet Joe Black?lol)

I very much doubt that he takes what I say about my death seriously hence, this post.

So you can call this post my will if you like...hehehe. I've given John the specs but I still want to be sure that its documented somewhere, somehow.

So here goes....

The last thing I want is tears and black clothing at my funeral. How about a Mena? It never fails me, the saying goes. So please, if you plan on coming to my funeral, go all out like you're going to a Christmas party (eh, kai kele). Oh and yeah, please hold my funeral the day after I die. Dont like this morgue business - no thanks. I've heard too much about what they do to the dead bodies at the morgues so *gulps* yeah.... I want to stay at home and be buried the next day. Talk about pressure but hey, if y'all really love(d) me, you'll do as I wish(ed).

I dont want a fancy, expensive coffin. Just a wooden box with wooden handles would do. Dont like the shiny silver/gold handles they stick on some of the wooden coffins i've seen. Line the inside with creme satin (not white lace please) and stick any old dress on me. Dont really care what I wear. (Now I really feel weird thinking about my body being...dead. weird) anyways....

I wanted to have a breakfast wedding but that didnt happen. Can I at least have my funeral in the morning? Time the mass say at 6:30 - 7:00am? Just as the sun is rising. Food or refreshments would then be croissants, muffins, suafa'i, with lots of cck coffee, eggs and toasties (my fav food - with tuna and cheese). Anything breafast-like.

Eulogies, well.... whatever the living decides I suppose.

Uma loa ga kagu le oki, fai loa le partree. All you alcoholics can bring out your 42 below and absolutes on moy grave and have it your pardee. Makuai faapapa kou toilets (no puking though!lol).

So that is basically it. I dunno if that's everything but yeah, talk about reaching out from the grave a ea? Oh well, its only a death wish. I promise I wont get up and haunt you if you dont abide!

The story about money

2006-07-05T12:00:00.000-11:00

We've been so broke lately. Actually, we are always broke. And I downright hate being broke ALL THE DAMN TIME! I worked out a budget and even after reshuffling and changes, the numbers still end up negative. Usually, when I budget, I always manage to work it out on paper and am somewhat surprised as to why I dont have any money left over. This time, even on paper it looks depressing with many "if onlys". If only the baby sitter didnt run up the phone bill. If only I didnt succumb to my sweet-tooth fetish and bake that banana cake, running up the electricity bill. If only.

Yesterday we did a massive shopping. Well, we bought two weeks worth of vegetables for baby, some meat, onions etc. The usual shopping we do on payday except yesterday wasnt pay day. Today is. But yesterday, John checked his account and discovered $300 in there. He thought his aunty had sent him some money hence, the hard-out shopping. We spent $150 in the space of 30 minutes. Today, John found 0 in the place of the $150 that should have been left in his account. Where's it gone and where's his pay? Well, after a bit of investigation he found that somehow his pay went in a day early. Some of his deductions kick in today and that's what ate up the rest of the money left over from yesterday's spree. Leaving a nice and round zero to greet him! That's just perfect.

Since we're on the money issue, I really want to start a business. I always think about opening a consultancy firm. I have contacts that would make excellent business partners as they are experts in their so called fields BUT, the million dollar question is whether they want to branch off from what they are currently doing and join me in business. Another issue altogether. In my head though, everything seems like they could work out and it would be a goldmine. The firm could look at providing technical advice on Marketing, Communications and IT, Accountancy, Auditing, Policy and Planning, Project Design and Travel (yeah I know this one seems a bit out of it but hey relax, this is only the "thinking" stage). I really think this could work if the right people are involved and everything is well thought out, clear and transparent. But this is all just me occupying myself with thoughts because I cant go to sleep kinda thing so it might just all fall apart in practice. This isnt the only business idea ive had. In fact, I have many many many. Yes, many ideas, no implementation. I can already see a gap.

I can go on and on but thats just boring. Im tired. Im loggin out....

bludeh hot

2006-07-03T15:51:00.000-11:00

What could be worse than Monday at work, the air conditioning down, I have a cold plus a cough that threatens to bring the heavens down (more like bring my brains out!). And now at about 4pm, the sun decides to stream through my curtain-less window. ugghh! Oh and did I mention that im broke without a dime and get anything to help with this cough? I didnt have lunch (cause im broke) but got chocolates from an old friend who just got back from NZ and have been munching on those. Now I feel sick in the stomach as well as my head and chest! Okay, I should stop thinking negative and think possitive.

*thinks really really hard*

nope. not working. okay, i better go empty my bladder before i make a mess on top of everything else thats not going well for me today....

me and my lover

2006-06-28T16:29:00.000-11:00

house fires

2006-06-27T09:09:00.000-11:00

What is UP with the houses going up in flames? In the space of three weeks, three houses of people I know have been burnt. The last one was my cousin Apu's house in Lotopa. I feel bad as I still havent gone to see her and give her some kind of help. I saw in the paper that it was caused from an electrical fault. Lucky they all got out alright. Apu's mom is paralysed on one side of her body. So in emergencies like fires, it would've been hard for her. Not to mention the baby. Apu's baby is same age as Ave. Gosh, dunno what I would've done. Yeah, I prolly would've panicked like there's no tomorrow. Anyways, thought id post this pic up here. Its my grandparents on Mom's side. My grandmother is Apu's dad's sister.

Bernhardt & Marie Harder

a night alone

2006-06-23T16:18:00.000-11:00

My hubby's off to Savaii for the night. He's going to attend a special fono a le nuu tomorrow. There was a dispute between some matais over land. They took the issue to the Lands and Title Court and they started getting violent there. Now, the village has taken matters into its hands to try and reslove the dsipute. Talk about drama-tic! All Im concerned about is 1) the potential of things to get violent. Dont want my husband coming back in a box and 2) the expense! gosh every meeting, every court case they have, the matais have to contribute money to feed God-knows-who. Not to mention dish out money to whoever for their pasese. Im sick and tired of going to NPF everytime they have a faamasinoga, to get the money we dont have for these contributions. In saying all that, I cant stop doing what Im doing. unless i divorce John of course. But that's not an option. I guess a girl's just gotta bite the bullet and swallow the anger!

Some friends are planning early drinks at borabora and then come to the live and free concert in front of the govt. buiding. The babysitter asked me on Monday if she could come and I said yes...stupid me. That means I cant go. Dang. Oh well, will use this time to bond with Ave and rest my voice. Im on the verge of becoming unheard. I have a minor cold and its affecting my voice. So while everybody will be boogying to STOP, DROP AND ROLL think of me while I (try) sing and converse to Ave.

my golly!

2006-06-22T14:19:00.000-11:00

I've been so busy at work. Wait. That, was actually an understatement. I was so feckin busy this week at work. That still doesnt do justice to explain the amount of dung i've had to deal with in the past few days. Its so hectic here that im starting to dream about my work and plan my next day ahead. Sometimes I feel as though my brain is burning up from overworking and that my ears would soon blow smoke. And its all to do with taxation. Who is supposed to pay local VAGST and Income Tax given they are being employed from overseas and paid by government money? I've consulted with lawyers at AGs a thousand times and looked at contracts and its clauses a million times and still, the zillion questions floating around taxation cannot be answered! Im just sick of it all. Cant stand to look at another Act or contract ever again.

Because of my messed up week, I held out for a drink all day yesterday. I was thinking of actually having a couple after my shower, have dinner then sleep. Whatever. I ended up getting smashing drunk and danced like a queen at Crabbers(?) then at Bad Billy's with LoSam and Toetu. These two showed up at home and so began the drinking binge. Now I feel rather tired and hungover! ARRRGGGG!

Anyways, check this pic out. Its John, Toetu, CheeKu and LoSam. Taken at BluLagoon last Sat. What drunks!

introductions

2006-06-16T11:42:00.000-11:00

This is me and my son Maaveave Camillo Taimalelagi. He was born on the 23rd of November 2005 in Auckland. He is the love of my life. My other life long love is movies. I love watching movies and I have ever since I was a lil' girl. Going to the movies is something I dont do as often now since Ave entered this world but thanks to TV3, Lau and occassionally SBC, I am still able to get my frequent fix of movies. So where was I? Yes...the loves of my life. Well, then there's my husband.

We got married on the 23rd July 2005 at St. Teresa Chapel, Lepea. John Papalii. He also has a matai title - Papalii - (which makes him Papalii John Papalii) but I prefer John and um err...."honey" LOL.

So there's a wee bit about me. More should come along as we go.

genesis

2006-06-16T11:00:00.000-11:00

In the beginning, God created light. Somewhere thereafter, this blog was created. lol. There's baby's blog but then I wanted somewhere to vent. Somewhere to escape to. Somewhere I can write about anything and everything. So welcome to a page that will hopefully be filled laughter, drama, tears, gossip, scandal and whatever....Just a a 20-something, samoan, and proud mother-of-one trying to get by in this intertwining and confused world.